ok heres just a few to get you in the xmas spirit! (well you need to have drunk a load of spirit to find any of them remotely funny!!!!!!)
What kind of paper likes music?
(W)rapping paper
What do you call a crate of ducks?
A box of quackers
What's white and goes up?
A confused snowflake
What wobbles and flies?
A jelly-copter
What athlete is warmest in winter?
A long jumper
What's the fastest thing in water?
A motor pike
What's furry and minty?
A polo bear
What do you get if you cross a sheep with a grasshopper?
A wooly jumper
What is black and white and noisy?
A zebra with a drum kit
What do you call a man who used to be interested in tractors?
An ex-tractor fan
What do you call a woman who stands between two goal posts?
Annette
Why did the man get the sack from the orange juice factory?
Because he couldn't concentrate
What's brown and sweet and glides around an ice rink?
Bourneville and Dean
How did the Vikings send secret messages?
By Norse code
What did the fish say when it swam into a wall?
Dam
What's orange and fizzy and comes down the chimney at Christmas?
Fanta Claus!
Hear about the man that collected five thousand door knockers?
He won a nobel prize
How much must you know to be an auctioneer?
Lots
What cereals do cats like?
Mice Crispies
Which players in an orchestra can't you trust?
The fiddlers
An invisible man marries an invisible woman.
The kids were nothing to look at either
Why did the hedgehog cross the road?
To see his flatmate
How do hedgehogs make love?
Very carefully
What did baby corn say to mummy corn?
Where's popcorn?
How do cows subtract?
With a cow-culator
What is green, round and wears shorts?
A Brussel scout
Who's the coolest person at a hospital?
The ultra sound guy
What do you call a three legged donkey?
A wonkey
A man goes to the doctor and says: 'Doctor, I've got a strawberry stuck up my bum.'
And he replied: 'It's OK, I'll give you some cream for that.'
What lies in a pram and wobbles?
A jelly baby
Did you hear about the man who fell into an upholstery machine?
He's fully recovered
How do monkeys make toast?
Stick some bread under the gorilla
Two oranges walk into a bar...
One says to other: 'You're round.'
What did the letter say to the stamp?
Stick to me and we'll go places
What do you call a short sighted dinosaur?
A do-you-think-he-saw-us
What do you call a train loaded with toffee?
A chew chew train
What do you give a man who has everything?
Antibiotics
A man goes to see his Doctor and says: 'Doctor I have a lettuce stuck in my bottom.'
The Doctors takes a look and replies: 'That's only the tip of the iceberg.'
What happened to the hyena which fell into a pot of gravy?
He made a laughing stock of himself
What is green and stands in the corner?
A naughty frog
What is Santa's favourite pizza?
One that's deep pan, crisp and even
What should a football team do if the pitch is flooded?
Bring on their subs
What's ET short for?
Because he's only got little legs
Where do astronauts leave their cars?
At parking meteors
Who hides in the bakery at Christmas?
A mince spy
Who is the most famous Russian billiard player?
Inoff the Red
Why are chocolate buttons rude?
Because they are Smarties in the nude
Why is six scared of seven?
Because seven ate nine
Why was Santa's little helper feeling depressed?
He had low elf-esteem
What's brown and sticky?
A stick
haha
hehe hehe Blimey Tracey, how many Christmas crackers have you pulled this Christmas? hehe
i know, I almost fell asleep typing them up!
haha
Tracey
x